Sunday, February 24, 2013

There is really no point to this.

I may or may not have spent the past hour of my life catching up on "My Drunk Kitchen."

I do have better things to do.

I also decided I need my own cooking show.  I will be focusing on "making new food out of old food."  A.K.A., using up leftovers.  I will also be making a lot of fun of Sandra Lee.  I hate her.  I hate her cocktails. I hate her racial insensitivity (for an example, simply google "sandra lee kwanzaa cake.")  I hate her snooty posture and her "tablescapes."

And before anyone can accuse me of bias against WASPy bitches or rich white women who cook, let me put it out there that I love me some Martha Stewart, and I can even appreciate Ina Garten (even if she is ridiculously out of touch with the Food Network-watching population.  Guess what, Ina?  If people are home watching you make Hamptons food to take on your yacht on your Food Network show in the middle of the day, its safe to say they don't have a job and can't really afford to source local produce or obtain cruelty-free quails or whatever.  And also, they won't know that eating salads in mason jars on said yacht tastes any different than eating salad-in-a-bag out of a tupperware container on the couch.)

This whole topic came about because I usually make my weekend omelets out of random leftovers and ends of things in the fridge.  Today's was diced kielbasa, sauteed with onions and a day-away-from-becoming-funky orange bell pepper.  There was also a bit of smoked cheddar.  It was tasty. 

You should totally get creative with omelets.  I usually sautee equal parts of meat, random veggies, and diced onion.  I then remove them from the pan and throw in some butter.  Then I pour in 4 beaten eggs, let them sit for a bit until they are largely solid, then toss on some shredded cheese.  Then sprinkle your meat/veggie mixture on top.  Then fold that beotch in half and let it cook another minute or so. Then take that beotch off the heat and eat it.

You can pretend you have your own cooking show.

Wednesday, February 13, 2013

Mental Health Round-Up

I keep saying I'm going to write my memoirs someday.  This is about as close as I will ever get.  Here's a sample of some of the things I get to experience in childrens' mental health services:

During our final "Social Success!" group session, a 6th grade boy serenaded me.  "Thank you for being a frrriiieeeennndddd!"  I didn't know they even knew about the Golden Girls.  This made my day!  Unfortunately, if he really was referring to me as a "friend," then I failed at boundaries.

7th grade girl:  "I don't need to talk today, but you can come to class with me and help me with my project."  Um.  No.

Did you know that Martin Luther King, Jr. is famous for "having a dream that black kids and white kids can ride the bus together?"  I didn't. "NO DUMMY that was Rosie Parks!"

8th grade.  "I'm going to sit on this table until you say that we can have group for the whole rest of the school year!"  "Well, get comfy..."  Note to self:  upset 8th graders do not like your sarcasm.

6th grade compliment: "You are nice and I like Cheeze Its."

Pre-teen girl smiled at me with tin foil on her teeth, and asked if I like her "grill."  Please note that this is not the first time in my career that this has happened.  Same demographic.

8th grade was-supposed-to-be-a-compliment: "Your hair looks nice.  Can you cut some off and give it to me 'cause my hair grows in afro puffs."  This is a boy.

Child made me watch a video she took of her overweight cat.  Dressed in a doll's hoodie.  Maroon 5 blaring in the background.  Making the cat dance.  I'm not a cat person, but I felt for that cat.  She had dead eyes.

I typed this.  In an agency's progress note.  Official documentation.  "Client made a fake mustache with tape, which he wore, and insisted therapist and peers address him as 'Incognito.'"

Last but not least.  "Its not cheating!  Its 'gathering information'!  Its a LIFE SKILL!"

For realz, I cannot make these things up.  This is why I love working with adolescents.  They are a breed unto themselves, and I love the nonsensical things they say, almost as much as I love watching them start to put the puzzle pieces of their little selves together.

Saturday, February 9, 2013

Holy Crap, Look at this Food I Made

This is already going to be a problem, because I didn't take a picture of it.  But I made homemade, gluten free Cheeseburger Macaroni "Hamburger Helper," and I think I can safely say that if you have made it this far, that you know what Hamburger Helper looks like. 

Why would one make their own Hamburger Helper?  Because sometimes I want to eat junky food, and I can no longer eat regular HH because of the MSG.  And I don't want to waste my little bit of self-allowed wheat intake on noodles that come with a migraine.  If you're interested, Annie's makes their own organic HH which has no MSG.  Go with that if you must.  But its on the expensive side. And also, wheat noodles.

What I Used:
1 3/4 c gluten free corn macaroni (Wegman's brand.)
1+ lb ground beef.
1 t garlic powder
1 t onion powder
2 t seasoned salt.
1 t paprika
1 c shredded cheddar
1 c milk
2 c hot water.

What I Did:
Brown the ground until its done, or mostly done.  Its going to continue cooking, so perfection at this step is not necessary.  Drain off the grease. 

Stir in the garlic and onion powders, paprika, salt, and the macaroni.  Stir in the water and milk. 

Cover and simmer for 8 minutes.  DO NOT cook it any longer.  Regular pasta has some flexibility, but corn pasta will fall the hell apart if it is overcooked.

Remove from head and stir in the cheddar.  Adjust seasonings for individual taste.

Tastes just like regular HH just a little less salty.  I ate way too much and ended up with a rumbly tumbly.  Please consume in moderation.

Long time, No see...REDUX, BITCHES!

So that whole "blog" experiment lasted quite some time, didn't it? 

I'm going to attempt this again.  Its going to look like:

Part online confessional/complain station.

Part nail polish obsessitory.

Part craft wars.

Part "holy crap look at this food I made!"

So its going to be a combination of Instagram/Facebook/Pinterest and there's probably going to be profanity.

Let the fun begin!